My Parenting Policy

Dear children,
It has come to my attention that you have been, at times, quite frankly taking the piss out of my good nature. So here are the new procedures, policies and general info you should know.

1. I will do my best to be a good parent, however, there will be days I make mistakes and there will (hopefully) be days that I am better than good

2. I will do my best to ensure that you grow up into well rounded, independent individuals however I will not mollycoddle you. Whilst I will keep you safe from serious harm you will sometimes have to find out for yourselves that diving of beds does indeed hurt.

3. I will give you 3 meals a day. Sometimes these will be thoughtfully prepared home cooked meals, sometimes fish fingers may play a part. I will serve some form of fruit or veg with each meal. If you eat it then that's brilliant. If you don't then I am not making a second option.

4. It is not my job to locate buzz lightyear. He is your toy and as I'm not allowed to play with him he is your responsibility.

5. Each week I will try and take you to some form of social activity even though the sight of 15 parents doing the hokey cokey is quite ridiculous.

6. I firmly believe that some days call for pj's, hot chocolate and Disney films. This is non negotiable especially if one of us is ill.

7. The naughty mat is not supposed to be fun. There's no need to keep each other company during time-outs. From now on it's solitary confinement for the entire 2 minutes.

8. Supernanny is a threat. Not a really cool flying grandmother.

9. I am in charge. You do not get to choose your own rules or boundaries. I do, it's the perk of the job I'm afraid.

10. Your sister is not a pony. She doesn't appreciate you riding around on her back (especially as she is younger than you)! Equally, your brother is not a toy. He doesn't like you shaking him to see if he talks. However hilarious it is to me watching this happen.